I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Let's get the cat blown out
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
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