I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
