you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
