I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
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