i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
