Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
