her vagina looked like bernie madoff
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
