ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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