Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
