So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
