is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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