We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
