So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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