When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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