I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
