I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
