that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
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