My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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