Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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