Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
