i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
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