If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Randomize
