I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Randomize
