I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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