Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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