Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
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The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
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We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.