I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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