hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh