apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
