I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
