We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Randomize
