I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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