either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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