i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
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