dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Randomize
