Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
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