i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
