Tell her she can't have a vagina
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
