I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Randomize
