So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
