I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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