I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
