My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
