I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
