I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
