All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
