My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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