There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
