So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Randomize
