if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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