You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
