If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
