Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let's paint friendship bongs
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
If I had your ass I would rule the world
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