Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Randomize
