So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Randomize