he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
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This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
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And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
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