When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
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