drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
