I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
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